Welcome to the Disney Princess Battle Royale! This will be my first opinion piece so your comments are greatly appreciated. I would love to hear what everyone else thinks as I am sure there will be disagreements.
This will be a round robin style tournament featuring 10 contestants. And the contestants are…
Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Tiana, Rapunzel, Merida, & Anna.
There is a reason only these 10 were chosen and I will explain a bit about that at the end. The quick answer is, some of the exclusions you are probably thinking of were not, in fact, princesses but merely female lead characters in a Disney animation movie. This is a princess only battle (sorry Elsa).
Why do this? Because I love Disney movies. I am not going to lie. I am a 36 year old bearded ruffian who likes animated musicals. So? That and I got into an argument with my 4 year old daughter last night about who would win in a fight between Cinderella and Belle and I feel that she did not fully appreciate my reasons for why Cindy got her butt kicked. So I am bringing my keen logic to all of you fine people.
Enough now with the preliminaries, let the first round begin!
Round 1: Rapunzel versus Snow White! FIGHT!
This is a no brainer for me. Rapunzel as a character was cute, funny, and original. She is a bit of a ding bat, but in a charming way. She also go in there a bit with her frying pan. Go Punz.
Snow White? If you look past even how dumb she is in the movie to the actual book version of this character she is legendarily stupid. She was told three times by the dwarves NOT TO SPEAK TO ANYONE. And everyday the dumb butt took some new gift from a shady looking person she didn’t know. Hello? Stranger danger? That, and I hated the old school, “I am going to sit around and brood about wanting a prince,” character. Ugh. Goodbye Snowy.
Round 2: Merida versus Aurora
Again, no brainer. Merida would shoot Aurora in her sleepy face and walk away. To be fair and explain this like a big boy though, who, developmentally as a character, is Aurora? She’s a pretty girl who was locked away in the woods that spends her time singing about…. again… wanting a prince to come along. Then what does she do? Fall in love with the first boner that shows up. Then what does she do? Fall asleep for the remainder of the movie. She has zero actual substance as a character.
Merida has some drawbacks and they went a bit overboard trying to make her into a not-girl-girl, but I really liked that film. She never got a prince. It was nothing about her needing to fall in love. It was all about her and her mother needing to understand and appreciate each other. It wasn’t a princess movie in the sense of having a love story. And there were huge bears in it. And they had Scottish accents. Did I mention she also shoots arrows?
Round 3: Belle versus Ariel
I know for a fact I am going to catch hell for this one. Nevertheless, here we go.
Belle. She loves books, this, for me, is a clincher in itself. She has ambitions to do something better with herself than just be pretty, and despite being so pretty she never let herself turn into a ditz. She could have been one of those girls, you all know them, that live off their good looks, but she didn’t. She did develop a serious case of Stockholm’s, this is true, and that takes her down a notch. However, not low enough to lose to….
Ariel. The poster child for teenage rebellion and foolish idealistic love. This whole movie should have been titled, “Daddy said no, so I am totally going to do it anyway.” She went off and met a shady octopus witch, who everyone knows is a bad character – LOOK AT HER FOR CHRISSAKE! – and makes a deal with her, even though the witchy woman showed her what she does to people who fail in their deals with her. Really? All because daddy said no? Really? Every time I watch this I want to make my own version where Triton comes up at the end, the part when Ursula has Ariel and Ursula offers to let them swap, and says no. Ariel has made her decision and he will not allow the entire sea to suffer for his daughter’s immaturity. How irresponsible was Triton? Seriously? All this not to mention that Ariel feel in love with the biggest Disney Douche of all time. Uhhh, is your name Mildred? Really, you jacka- –
Round 4: Jasmine versus Cinderella
This was a tough one.
Jasmine was a bit whiney for me. I used to love her the most when I was younger but as I grew older I realised she’s a bit too self-centred. Luckily for her the main character in the movie is actually Aladdin and the Genie is number two, so her part in the story is drastically reduced. This also makes it a bit hard to root for her at times. She’s not bad but she’s not awesome.
Cinderella. She went through a lot of BS. If you read the story as well she went through even more than she did in the movie. Her mother and father both died and she was left in the hands of a bunch a nasty old bitches. Excuse my language. She is the poster child for rising above it. She kept a good head about it throughout as well. She never got nasty or bitchy, she just dealt with it. I like the story version of her better because she sends her little helper birds to peck the eyes out of the stupid hags who gave her crap and I am all about vengeance, but that is not the Disney way.
Round 5: Anna versus Tiana
Okay, so I have to admit that I really didn’t enjoy The Princess and the Frog. I know why it was made the way it was but for me it felt like Disney making caricatures of African American culture built on stereotypes rather than reality. I don’t know. I’ve never spoken with anyone else about it so I don’t know how everyone else feels, but that is not the point. Tiana for me was a bit boring. She wanted to be a chef and she had her memories of her dad and all that, but she spends most of the movie being a boring ass frog. Ribbit.
Anna: Hello Rapunzel’s clone! Nice to meet you! Anna was a shameless attempt to recreate the magic that was Rapunzel. Her whole demeanour and style screamed Rapunzel. As such she loses points for being totally unoriginal. Outside of that she was, as her better version was, cute and sweet and funny at times. I am uncertain as to why she wasn’t allowed outside when Elsa went all shut in, but that is just how the movie world goes. She also did that uber stupid Disney move of, “let’s fall in love with the first man who is nice to us… or speaks to us… either is fine. “ Still, as a Rapunzel copy she was bound to be better than the froggy chick.
Now for the championship rounds:
Our winners were: Rapunzel, Merida, Belle, Cinderella and Anna
The losers bracket is: Snow White, Aurora, Ariel, Jasmine and Tiana
Snow White versus Aurora
This would be a toss up in my book. At least Aurora didn’t prove how dumb she was by eating food from strange people. And there was a dragon in her movie. Aurora wins!
Ariel versus Jasmine
Teenage angst versus selfish stubbornness: Jasmine wins! Sorry, I really don’t like Ariel. (and that is my wife and my sister’s favourite character… uh oh.)
Tiana versus Snow White:
The frog beats the apple munching dumb dumb. Tiana wins!
Aurora versus Jasmine
Jasmine had an actual character. Aurora was a singing, sleeping bimbo. Jasmine wins!
Tiana versus Ariel:
Okay fishy, you can have this one. Ariel wins!
Tiana versus Aurora:
Frog. All day.
So our losers bracket shakes up like this:
10) Snow White
Now for the winners bracket.
Rapunzel versus Anna: I did this on purpose. One is the original version of this character and the other is the copy. Copy loses. For the first time in forever, you learn what it feels like to get whooped. Rapunzel wins!
Merida versus Cinderella: I am a sucker for girls who kick ass. Merida wins. It’s close though.
Belle versus Anna: Belle is a brainy book lover. Anna is a pie in the sky dreamer who falls in love with a total douche because, immaturity. Belle wins
Cinderella versus Anna: Who has a fairy godmother, a magical pumpkin carriage and keeps her head up no matter what those hating bitches say? Say it with me now, Cinderella.
Rapunzel versus Belle: Rapunzel. All day. She’s too cute and funny. She also had by far the best Disney prince. Belle has a thing for beastiality. Yuck.
Belle versus Merida: Again, arrows. So many arrows.
Cinderella versus Belle: Brains and books beat out the ‘nuthin’ gonna get me down’ girl.
Rapunzel versus Merida: Oh, this hurts. I can’t do it. I have to though. Rapunzel. I can watch that movie over and over again. She had a good heart and she’s so much fun to watch. I love Merida too though. Her accent and the bow and arrow, she’s a great character but Rapunzel was just a bit better.
So the winners bracket shakes out like this:
Who got left out and why? Pocahontas, Mulan, and Elsa (I am sure there are more, these are the ones I can feel complaints coming for.) Starting at the end, Elsa is the queen. Not a princess. It’s different. The movie is also more centred on Anna (unfortunately). Mulan, also not a princess. She may or may not get married to Shang at the end, but he’s just a general. Not a prince. Pocahontas. Oh, the history major in me wants to tell you of all the hate for that film… but I will leave it at, she also was not a princess. She was the daughter of a chief, sure, but it’s still a stretch to make that into ‘princess’. It’s a different culture. Live with it.
Thank you all for playing. Tune in next week for our next battle. Who am I going to throw into the ring next?
Upon further reflection I have come to realise that I gave Rapunzel the cup based on the strength of her movie more than the strength of her character alone. Rapunzel’s movie is better because of Flynn Ryder – aka: The Animated Han Solo. Merida would be my winner and Belle would be in a toss up with Rapunzel.